My Essays: On Forgiveness

On Forgiveness

February 2015

James E McGuire

The weak can never forgive.

Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

Mahatma Gandhi

Forgiveness is a power belongs to every person who has ever been wronged or harmed by the actions or inactions of another. Forgiveness is more than just a companion to apology. Forgiveness is more than something we hope will be given in return after a sincere apology has been offered. Apology is an important part of the mediation process in helping parties deal with conflict and resolve disputes. There are many articles, books and training programs devoted to this important topic. Less attention has been paid to the independent power of forgiveness and its role in mediation.

Forgiveness means letting go of a need for revenge or making things even or having someone say, “I apologize.” Forgiveness does not require any antecedent act. Whether to hold onto the hurt and the pain of being wronged or whether to release that pain and get on with living is a fundamental choice for each individual. No one can take that choice away from anyone, except the individual who decides not to forgive.

To forgive does not mean to forget. The harm that happened to you will always remain part of your life. To forgive is not to condone or to make excuses for bad behavior. Forgiveness may not lead to reconciliation. That may happen as a useful secondary result, but reconciliation is not the main goal of forgiveness. Forgiveness may lead to sympathy, empathy or even compassion for the one that did the harm, though again that is not the primary goal. Forgiveness does not require an apology as a pre-condition. The apology may not be forthcoming because of the very nature of the person who did the harm. That person may no longer even be part of your life: the dead cannot say, “I am sorry.” How many people carry the hurts and wrongs that happened to them over a lifetime right to the grave?

You’re lying on your deathbed.

You have one hour to live

Who is it, exactly, you have needed

All these years to forgive?[i][1]

Why forgive anyone for anything? Short answer: to be happy. A core part of a happy life is to be in good health, physically and mentally. Forgiveness has now become part of mental health therapy. In 2006, the American Psychological Association compiled research papers on forgiveness. The overwhelming consensus is that forgiveness leads to good mental health.[2] The Mayo Clinic[3] published on-line tips for good adult health. Among the many topics covered is an article on the value of forgiveness. According to the Mayo Clinic:

Forgiveness can lead to:

ü Healthier relationships

ü Greater spiritual and psychological well-being

ü Less anxiety, stress and hostility

ü Lower blood pressure

ü Fewer symptoms of depression

ü Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

Every major religion has as core part of its doctrine for the faithful the importance of forgiveness. In the Jewish religion, a special day is set aside for primary purposes of both giving needed apologies and dispensation of forgiveness. Yom Kippur or the Day of Atonement provides an opportunity to forgive and to be at peace with yourself, your family and community. Christianity was, from its beginnings, a religion of love and forgiveness: “turning the other cheek.” One of the last things Christ said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” The Muslim world learns from the teachings of the sacred Qu’ran[4] that Allah rewards “whosoever forgives and makes amends.” In Buddhism, “forgiveness is seen as a practice to prevent harmful thoughts from causing havoc on one’s mental well-being.”[5]

For those of us who are not religious, we can take our guidance from secular philosophers. In his most recent book Religion for Atheists: A non-believer’s guide to the uses of religion, Alain de Botton discusses among other things the usefulness of forgiveness. He suggests that rather than just one day each year reserved for seeking atonement, we should set aside some time every quarter of the year to review the slights, insults, and actual harm that has befallen us and to dispense forgiveness for our own mental well-being. Instead of religious places of worship, the author suggests that we create secular temples for “Spring”; for “self-knowledge” and for “forgiveness.”

Another philosopher, Charles Griswold, takes the reader deeper into the topic.[6] He grounds forgiveness in morality that transcends any religion. He frames forgiveness as a bi-lateral act for we must know whom we seek to forgive and for what. More than that, forgiveness comes with conditions—not merely giving up revenge, but also giving up the internal seething and toxic anger that was caused by the harm that was done to us. For the more ambitious, Professor Griswold has a book devoted to the topic: Forgiveness: a Philosophical Exploration” (2007).

David Brooks, a columnist for the New York Times wrote a recent article reflecting on the fall from grace of Brian Williams.[7] Williams was a news anchor (“NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams”) who was caught in repeated instances of exaggerated or inaccurate personal recollections of his involvement in wars and natural disasters. Williams made a defective apology and offered to take himself off the air for a week. NBC determined to suspend him without pay for six months. Reacting to the lynch mob aspects of the destruction of this man and his career, Brooks offered the concept of rigorous forgiveness. He identifies four different processes involved in forgiveness.

1. “Pre-emptive mercy:” Quoting Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., “forgiveness is an attitude, not an act.” Do we want to give him a chance to be part of the community?

2. Judgment: What did he actually do? What is the appropriate remedy for that wrong? Some wrongs are like stealing: a debt to be repaid. Others like adultery can be remedied only by rebuilding relationships over time. Brooks suggests that Williams’ sin was vanity: the cure for which is only extreme self-abasement.

3. Confession and Penitence: For all who seek forgiveness, it is both necessary and appropriate to admit to the error and make a confession of the mistakes more complete than anyone expected. That can lead to course of action for personal emotional and spiritual recovery.

4. Reconciliation and re-trust. “After judgments have been made and penitence performed, both the offender and the offended bend toward each other. Rebuilding trust may not be immediate, but the wrongful act is no longer a barrier to rebuilding trust and repairing the social fabric.

For the world of mediators, it may be enough that we reflect on the importance of forgiveness as part of the process of bringing peace to the parties. Just as mediators have learned how to be effective apology coaches, perhaps we can also learn how to be effective coaches in the art of forgiveness.